Hari ini mem-bete-kan sekali. Bukan karena hujan di hari Sabtu. I love the rain at all. Umm, actually not really like :p
Adapun hal yang mem-bete-kan aku di hari Sabtu yang basah di bulan Desember ini adalah keisengan, kebodohan dan ke-bano-an aku melihat hal-hal yang seharusnya tidak dilihat (bukan yang jorok2 ya..!!) : hal yang sudah sebulan ini tidak aku jamah, tidak aku lihat dan tidak aku intip lagi. Everyday I always fight the urge to see that thing, I keep telling my self that if I wanted to see, it means I give an ability to her/him/it (but I prefer to call 'it' because s(he) is just a chick... ups, sorry :p ) to hurt me...
Tapi gara-gara nolongin seseorang akhirnya tanpa sengaja aku melihatnya lagi. Seharusnya aku langsung pergi tapi karena rasa ingin tahu, rasa penasaran dan sebenarnya yang paling berperan adalah rasa rindu maka saya tetap disana untuk melihat-lihat dan terus melihat. Hal ini membuktikan bahwa ungkapan ‘u can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see but you can't close your eyes to the things you don't want to feel...’
Sebenernya gak ada hal yang terlalu menyakitkan karena beberapa hal menyakitkan yang ada di sana udah aku ketahui sebelumnya. Tapi yang membuat aku sedih adalah,,, hmm it's hard to tell even though in written form…
Oke gini aja deh, so I'm not going to go into details about what was I felt and neither what was my respond. Tapi kurang lebih ceritanya mirip dengan apa yg pernah dirasakan ama temen aku. So it's up to you to interpret my feelings at that time...
Beberapa bulan yang lalu seseorang pernah curhat sama aku, trus dia minta dibikinin notes buat diposting di facebook. Tujuannya selain ingin mengabadikan isi hatinya dalam bentuk tulisan mungkin juga biar orang yang udah nyakitin hatinya itu juga bisa baca. Dan akhirnya aku bikinkanlah sebuah notes buat dia. Tapi kadang-kadang sama kaya lagu yang dinyanyiin ama artis-artis, apa yg kita tulis akhirnya jadi bumerang. Notes yang aku tulis buat dia kejadian sama aku. Gak semua sih, tapi kurang lebih kaya gitu deh…
Ini notes yang aku tulis buat temen aku itu. Tapi ini udah ada yang aku ubah dikit. Check this out :
Do you remember the way you collapse my world that day..?? Your words crumbled my heart. All the blood and tears inside ran out from my empty eyes. I kicked and punched in my battle cry until my arms gave out and my feet cried out but I never felt stronger. All my dreams became nightmares. Horribly they came true. The pain that was in the bunkers of my thoughts released by you. I used to read in your eyes a promise of love and happiness but they were only lies. Everything that's fake...
Everyone repetitively asks me if I'm okay. What am I supposed to say..? "No.. I'm not okay.." Sometimes you just can't tell anybody how you feel... Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose and not because you don't trust them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand. Then what..? So I just smile and say that I'm fine. Even though I'm really dying inside. What hurt more than losing you and knowing you're not fighting to keep me...
Well, now I'm sit here on my own again after the sleepless nights, the heartache, the pain. You was my past. Maybe someday you will be my future. But you're not my present. You're not here with me now. Does it hurt you to know that we haven't spoken to each other in ages..? Does it hurt u..? Because its hurting me. I hate missing you most of all.When I'm sad and alone. And all I want is to see you. And you never realize all I want is to waste sometime with you. My head totally mess. I can't think straight. It's full of memories, the dwelling on the past, the wishing that we were together again...
Hey, i'm writing to you. Not to tell you that i still hate you. I just completely understand that i'm not reason enough for you to stay. Trying to forget you is like to remember someone I never met. And now it's enough. I'm tired of being the one to try. But my heart says wait when my head says move on...
And the pathetic side is I can't say good goodbye to you...
